inkskinned

i sat there as i ignored the fight
that i could never win
against fear stealing all my restless minutes of sleep and
i was cold and shivering like a dead flower
that has been tossed into a roaring maelstrom of arctic water
but is not dead enough to not feel the pain people ignore

my head was screaming “no” my tears were begging “not again” the silence of my parents’ eyes of the
precious shattered things
where i lied and called them home
and of the hollow place behind all my cracked bones was yelling “let your porcelain face be strong
like the roman numerals you write
counting how many times real and unreal people have said
that it only takes
‘staying strong’
and that
‘things can only get better’”

and the silence’s words like a drummed-in latin prayer
scared me beyond disbelief
you could have asked me “why”
as you danced with a heart that was free
like a bluebird that had never lost its wings and with whom even mother earth had
fallen in love
(but we both know that is not
your heart)

the red on our skin told us a different story how we may never really
literally hit rock-bottom,
there’s still nothing to break the fall of a long life
with broken neurons and strange cells
that are not grey
but only black and blue and that can only “hold up”
for something that can’t possibly be a lifetime
that isn’t cut off in an “untimely” fashion
let something beautiful rest in peace
(don’t try to
resurrect it you’re too smart for that
and your soul is too great darling)

carry on with veins filled with paranoia and
long sleeves and polaroids and
sleepless eyes and smiles that used to be so pretty

“Red lips, blue veins, a smile like a hand grenade” // inkskinned
by Me, Myself and I

inkskinned

in a year you’ll spill over with the maple syrup of her love
and your facebook will be a torture device i use
when i’m halfdrunk and looking to be
punished

in six months i’ll still call you in the dead of night
but you’ll have stopped answering such a long time ago
i’ll just speak diaries into your answering machine,
endless pointless babble

in three months your messages will still be saved
on my phone and i’ll stay up reading them
just to get off on
feeling my heart crumble

i see our end coming maybe a month or two
from right now,
i can hear it click slowly into the chamber
as you bring the gun around

because baby for a while now you’ve been
falling out of love
maybe it’s you maybe it’s our timeline maybe it’s that
i’m not enough

but baby tomorrow you’ll kiss me hard enough
to turn off the sirens screaming in my head
and i won’t realize you’ve charmed me back into believing
until you’ve taken me to bed

but baby tomorrow we’ll still be a couple
we’ll drink lemonade and laugh at bad jokes and
you’ll unstring yourself just a little bit more and i’ll try
sowing myself to your heart just a little bit closer
we’ll seem like we’re doing just fine
instead of perched on the edge of sorrow

and dear god but do i live
for that love you’ll pretend
tomorrow.

If you close your eyes, you can almost pretend like it’s all going just fine again. /// r.i.d (via inkskinned)